I grew up in a very stressful household, we can save the details for another time, but the important part of this story is that it left me at an early age with crippling anxiety. We’re talking “if I turn the doorknob so many times some one will die” anxiety. Sounds crazy but many wonderful (not crazy) children (and adults) live their lives like this day to day.
It changed in many ways as I got older. It was always some new image or memory (though some were the same) I was afraid of and the stakes often changed. Generally they were tied to my success because very early on that’s what mattered most to me (that was my ticket out, after all) As anyone who knows what this type of anxiety is like (medically it’s called OCD and no, wanting your desk to be “just so” doesn’t necessarily mean you have it) knows the world can oftentimes become a scary and confusing place. It is this “madness” that allows you to go even deeper though. (yes, you’re kind of like a unicorn)
The first steps I took in handling my OCD was in seeing a therapist who measured my brainwaves by hooking me up to a machine and he noticed that my brain waves were very different to how brains were supposed to function. (note: this is a matter of patterning. You can create new neuropathways with the help of a trusted and credited hypnotherapist - and yes, that shit works) After a few sessions I went on with my life with a better understanding of how my brain works but not much changed ensued. By leaving my childhood home I was released of much of my anxiety (as in far fewer panic attacks) but it was still present in everything I did.
When I was 19 I discovered an intuitive healer by the name of Jennifer Matthews (organicwisdom.com) This is when my real healing began (though what prompted this was a reading of Abraham Hicks Ask and It Is Given- I had been asking for a career but what I needed in that moment was a life changer.) In my work with Jennifer I learned how to separate myself from my anxiety. How to observe it instead of becoming attached to it. Part of that is doing the thing that causes you anxiety (turning the doorknob only once!) and then not giving in. The time afterward was immensely uncomfortable. What if by not turning the knob I ruined my big shot (or date, or relationship, or even just having a good day)? I could obsess for nearly a whole day just thinking about that door knob (or whatever the object or situation). But after some practice, soon it was only hours, then minutes and then down to seconds. I’d get on a role for a while and then sometimes I’d fall back into old patterning.
Once I started doing hypnotherapy, with a fantastic woman named Heather Hayward, and relieving myself of all the trauma in my life-that’s when things began to get a lot easier. Those haunting images I mentioned - I went into each of them and let them know they had no power over me (do this with a trusted hypnotherapist, not on your own). When I get to live my life without second guessing, without all this fear anxiety brings, then I get to be in the flow. All those dramatic things that spring up in my head don’t happen - instead I drop down to my heart and I start living life from there. It takes a lot of practice and even now some days I’m better at it than others but I’m just so grateful I did the work to get here and that I know that I am in charge - not my anxiety.
If this is something you experience, don’t be ashamed to get help. You’re not alone. You’re not “crazy”. But you are missing out on how wonderful life really can be. So make a phone call, read a book, start finding your way into your Light. Because you are worth it.
A place to begin: https://iocdf.org/about-ocd/